


Selfish

by beckyab10



Category: Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: Canon Era, Canon-Typical Violence, M/M, Multi, Other, Post-Canon, Sibling Incest, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-07
Updated: 2014-12-07
Packaged: 2018-02-28 12:03:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2731799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beckyab10/pseuds/beckyab10
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You know how fucked up it is, to want them both. The brother you aren't supposed to love like this, and the newsboy you're supposed to hate. You're selfish for it, but you can't stop yourself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Selfish

**Author's Note:**

> So this was inspired by a conversation with Sinna aka acedavey on Tumblr and so here it is. It's got incest and unrequited love and some making out and shirtlessness and implied sex, implied incest sex. I'm the actual worst at Oscar so I'm sorry for him.

You have a view of everything around you from up here. You can see everyone below you as they get ready for a day of work. You watch and hear the conversations below. The mindless chatter of the newsies. You’re alone, but you like the relative quiet. You can be alone with your thoughts, and you can watch your brother, and keep things from getting out of hand, not that it ever does. None of them are stupid enough to start anything at the circulation desk.

You can also see him.

You see him tease your brother, see him laugh with his friends, see him grin. His voice sends shivers up your spine as his voice, loud and sure of every word, booms up to you. His grin, a physical manifestation of his confidence, sends your stomach into knots. He’s charming, he’s witty, you might say brilliant if you had to say anything. His looks are impossible to describe. So you watch him. You know you should pay attention to everyone else but you only have eyes for him. The newsboy leader Jack Kelly. The person you can never have.

So you watch him. You memorize his grin when he insults your brother, you memorize the way his eyes roll when Oscar makes a comeback. You remember exactly how long he smirks at you when he has no papers to sell back at the end of the day. You grin to yourself, because why would he have anything to sell back? He’s the best. He knows how to hawk a headline better than most. You pay attention to the contours of every bruise and scrape he causes in your fights. You run your finger over the purple and yellow marks, wincing both at the physical and emotional pain from it. The bitter irony of how much pain he causes you, and how you come back for more. He shoves you down, you crawl back to him. You would do anything he asked of you, the sad pathetic person you are. You live for him to merely glance at you, much less talk to you. The fights, well, it’s sick but you live for them. He pays attention to you, and while maybe it’s not what you want, you’ll take anything, because you don’t know how to live without that attention from him.

But you don’t get it from him, and you know you never will. You settle instead. You settle for the brother you come home to, who you spend almost every waking moment with. You love him. You love him as much as you love Jack and you don’t know how to reconcile that. You don’t know how to cope with wanting both of them, to wake up between them. How to cope with the empty feeling and sharp pain you feel when you wake up in Oscar’s arms, and for a brief moment, thinking Jack is holding you at the same time, and realizing it’s cold and empty. You don’t get it. You love Oscar with everything, how the fuck are you so selfish to want them both to yourself?

He is the one who has been there. He was the one who was there when your parents left you with your Uncle, no explanation. They didn’t even tell you they were leaving you there for good. You assumed they would be back. As it grew later you waited and waited, until Oscar and your Uncle realized they weren’t coming back. He was the one who held you as your small seven year old body was wracked with sobs about why they would leave you. Oscar was the one who promised you he would never leave. He promised it wasn’t your fault, no matter how sick you were, it would never be your fault they didn’t want you. For the most part, it stuck. You usually believe him.

How are you so selfish to want more from this life? You have your brother. To want more implies he is not enough, that your rock and sanity is not enough. It means you would rather crawl back to the kid who would rather fight you and insult you than the big brother who protects you from that. Yet you can’t stop yourself. You run between them, never able to choose, never stopping. You wonder if this is how the rest of your life will go. Running between fighting one of your loves and begging for scraps of his attention; running to your true love who despite how tough and closed off he is, opens his arms for you. You know who is better for you. You know, despite how wrong it is, Oscar is the only healthy romantic relationship you can have.

But you keep running back, because staying away from him is more painful. The bruises hurt less than the mere concept of not seeing him. So you run back day after day, getting shoved on the ground, picking yourself up and running right back to him. The cycle never ends, and you begin to wonder if it ever will. You wonder if you even want it to end, or if maybe, the pain he causes you is part of why he likes you. Sure, you and Oscar like it rough, and he’s pinned you to the printing press more than a few times, but it’s not the same thing. Maybe that’s why. But more importantly, if it is why…how sick are you? How sick are you to enjoy the pain? It’s better not to question that.

You walk down the stairs one day after the newsies left to sell their papers, meeting your brother at the edge of your staircase. You can already feel bruises from the latest altercation last night forming, and you’ve got a split lip from the same fight trying to heal. The fact that they were caused by Jack makes you too happy. You look at Oscar and you can see it in his eyes. The fire of jealousy because of course he knows how you feel. He’s known for a long time. 

It’s why he’s dragging you to the cellar, no one ever comes down here this early in the morning, you have it to yourselves. So you’re not surprised when your brother shoves you against the wall and kisses you hard, and as he pins your wrists to the wall and kiss him back you can feel your lip start to bleed again. Oscar doesn’t care, he keeps kissing you before pulling back and murmuring against your lips.

“You lead him on, I ain’t stupid I can tell when ya bait him.” All you can do is shrug because yes you did. Oscar rolls his eyes. “I’m the one that’s here for ya, remember that. Who’s the one who picks ya up after the fights, huh?”

You can’t argue with that, which is exactly why you murmur what you do. “You.”

“I’m here. Forget him, focus on me.” And before you can respond he’s pulling you towards him by your suspenders and kissing you, pulling those suspenders down, working on your tie and shirt. You quickly get his vest off, along with his shirt. You keep kissing against that wall before he drags you over to the printing press. “By the time this is through, ya ain’t gonna remember what ya see in Kelly.”

That’s exactly what you fear, but you don’t voice it. You just grin, wrap your arms around your brother and try to lose yourself in this, to listen to your brother, because when has he ever been wrong.


End file.
